Let’s Kick It Off

So here it is, folks. Thanksgiving 2024, and I’m giving you a heads-up because December is officially Dingleberry Awareness Month. Why? Because I’m damn tired of society ignoring the truth, and I’m doing my part to give everyone something worthwhile to talk about other than mind-numbing family gossip or debates over who brought the worst side dish at Thanksgiving.

Sure, I thought this website would just be for “books” and “ideas,” where I’d “fill holes” with intellectual crap. But you know what? We’re talking about a different kind of hole today… No, don’t get excited. We’re not planning to fill it with anything.

If I had a home office, yeah, I’d use it for “business,” but the rest of my place? I’m free to do whatever the hell I want, just like the rest of my life. This is my website, so here’s my very first official rant. And I’m posting it now to give you time to consider some truly “unique” holiday shopping ideas for friends and family who need a little help in the hygiene department.

Let’s talk SHIT.

Dingleberries: What They Are and Who Gets Them

A dingleberry, for anyone somehow blessed with ignorance on this topic, is that little bit of crap that decides to stick around on the hairs around your butthole. And no, I’m not here to play around with gender stereotypes. I’m not gonna say only men suffer this fate because they’re “hairier” or whatever. No, let’s get one thing clear: anyone who’s got enough hair back there and lacks basic hygiene is in the danger zone.

Dingleberries don’t care if you’re a man, woman, or mythical creature. Hell, if a sasquatch doesn’t wash his butt, you bet he’s got a whole bouquet of dingleberries. It’s simple: if you’re hairy and lazy about cleaning up, then congratulations, you’re in the club.

And let’s be real… if you need further proof that dingleberries are a serious hygiene crisis, just take a trip to Reddit. There’s an unbelievable number of horror stories where someone finds literal clumps of shit on the bedsheets after a sensual moment, only to end up asking Reddit how they can tell their partner without embarrassing them. WHAAAT!? At that point, their embarrassment should be the least of your worries… you’ve got to burn the whole damn house down! Seriously, a dingleberry discovery is where romance goes to die.

Now I get what George Carlin meant when he said, “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

Declaring December as Dingleberry Awareness Month

You know what? Let’s make it official. From now on, December is Dingleberry Awareness Month. Because, let’s face it, nobody else is going to bring this up at Thanksgiving dinner. Hygiene isn’t just about smelling nice for the people around you or avoiding the occasional itch; it’s about dignity. It’s about civilization itself. Hygiene is what separates us from animals.

Animals, by the way, have one advantage: most of them can actually lick their butts clean. Cats, dogs, and even freaking monkeys have figured out a system. But we humans? We just sit there and hope our toilet paper will do the job. Spoiler: it doesn’t always. And since we don’t have the luxury of licking ourselves clean, we have to do better.

And for anyone thinking that wet wipes are the answer? Think again. Even the so-called “flushable” wipes are total garbage for your plumbing. If a manufacturer slaps “flushable” on the packaging, they’re lying right to your face. Wet wipes don’t break down in water the way toilet paper does. Instead, they clump up in the pipes, leading to blockages and plumbing nightmares. You want to avoid dingleberries only to end up with a clogged septic tank? Forget it. Wet wipes are the devil’s work, and if you do end up with a blockage, I say sue the pants off whatever company dared to call them “flushable.”

Cultural Approaches to Hygiene

So how do we handle this correctly? Humans have long known that a simple wipe isn’t enough. Just look at different cultures around the world: you’ve got the ancient Romans with their communal sponges (yup, that’s real), the Middle Eastern countries that use water and their left hand, and then there’s Japan. The Japanese have toilets with enough buttons to launch a ballistic rocket and nuke a jungle of dingleberries. They understand that a proper clean requires more than a few layers of paper.

But here’s the thing: “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.” George Carlin had it right. People cling to bizarre standards like a piece of shit hanging from a hair while ignoring common sense. If ancient cultures knew the value of a good clean, why do we act like it’s a revelation?

Which brings us to the bidet.

The Case for Bidets: Because We Deserve Better

Let’s talk about why a bidet will change your life. Yes, there’s a bit of a learning curve with these things. First, you’ve got to figure out exactly where the hell your butthole is. Then, you need to work out a kind of muscle memory because, let’s face it, you don’t have eyes back there. So, at first, you’re likely to get blasted in a way that might sting a bit, but who knows? You might like it. No judgment.

Once you’ve got the hang of the point-and-shoot, you’ll need to do the tap check. Just a tiny piece of paper towel, nothing more. The whole point here is to avoid wrapping your hand in half a roll of TP like you’re preparing for surgery-no effing idea what type of surgery needs such preps, though. All you need is a little tap. Let’s call it… the final brown spot check.

So here’s my advice: invest in a bidet. All kinds are available, from basic attachments to full-on luxury models with every bell and whistle you never knew you needed.

Each one has its own style, so pick your poison. Get yourself a heated seat if you’re all about that life, or keep it classic with a no-nonsense cold-water model. Either way, it’s time to upgrade and say goodbye to dangling shit forever.

Shaving, Laser Treatments, and Manly Insecurities

Now, let’s talk about the hairy elephant in the room: grooming. Yes, I’m looking at you, the guys who shudder at the thought of trimming or (God forbid) shaving your butthole area. Let’s clear this up: taking care of yourself doesn’t make you less of a man. And if you’re out there thinking, “Real men don’t shave down there,” how insecure are you that you need to have literal shit hanging off your hair to protect your manhood? Seriously, let’s get real.

Laser hair removal is another option, though I get it, not everyone wants to commit to zapping their butthole hairs off for good. But even trimming can make a huge difference. And to those who say, “Only people expecting visitors bother to clean up down there,” well, first of all, that’s just bullshit. Hygiene isn’t about impressing someone; it’s about basic human decency.

The truth is, the less hair you have, the fewer dingleberries you’ll grow. Simple as that. So if you’re worried about what your buddies will think when you mention laser hair removal or trimming, maybe it’s time to rethink your priorities. Taking care of your hygiene isn’t a threat to your masculinity; it’s a service to the world.

Closing Thoughts

So there it is: dingleberries are a choice, people. They are entirely avoidable. And to all the hairy folks out there, let’s make a pact this December: keep it clean. A bidet is a beautiful thing. It’s not rocket science, it’s just a bit of water and a lot of dignity.

And if you’re feeling generous, why not give the gift of a bidet this holiday season? For your loved ones, your friends, or just someone blessed (or cursed) with a full butt of hair. This suggestion may end some marriages, but you know what? Sacrifices have to be made if we’re ever going to rid the world of dingleberry gardens once and for all.

If cleanliness is next to godliness, you’re at least on your way to the pearly gates by starting with your butthole.