But If You Don’t, You’ll Die Broke, Homeless, and Probably Eating Cat Food

Look, I’m no financial advisor. I’m not here to sell you a scammy budgeting course or tell you that skipping lattes will somehow buy you a house. But I am here to tell you that if you don’t figure out your money, life will absolutely skull-fuck you into oblivion.

And let’s get one thing straight: this is about surviving in the U.S., a country so rich it has too much food, too many houses, too much land, and yet, somehow, a system designed to keep you one shitty day away from sleeping on a park bench if not as bad as William Foster in the Falling Down movie. Meanwhile, in some third-world hellhole, people would kill to experience America’s version of “rock bottom.” Your absolute worst day here? Probably still better than the best day for someone in a collapsing economy where the currency is worth less than Monopoly money (looking at you, Iranian Rial).

So, whether you’re drowning in debt, barely scraping by, or just want a system that makes budgeting suck slightly less, let me introduce:

The “Life Is a Cosmic Joke” Budgeting System

Category 0: Absolute Rock Bottom (How to Survive Homelessness in a First-World Hellscape)

This is below survival mode. This is “you lost everything, you live in the streets, and you need to outsmart the system to stay alive.” If this is you, don’t waste time thinking about investments; think about how to get food, shelter, and not get murdered.

• “Barely a Human” (Food & Water First) – Forget organic groceries and Whole Foods. You need calories. Dumpster diving is a skill. Churches, food banks, and soup kitchens exist; use them. Fast food places throw out tons of edible food. Also, refill water bottles anywhere you can. Hydration is not optional.
• “Cardboard Mansion” (Shelter & Weather Protection) – You’re not getting a house, but you can find safe places to sleep. Libraries, train stations, and hospitals let people loiter if they don’t act insane. Cardboard is insulation. A cheap tarp can keep you dry. Public restrooms are your best friend.
• “Street Smarts or Street Death” (Avoiding Cops & Psychos) – Cops don’t protect the homeless; they harass them. Learn where to exist without getting arrested. Stay away from aggressive tweakers; they’ll rob you for a granola bar.
• “Hustle Like Your Life Depends on It” (Because It Does) – Panhandle, where the rich liberals feel guilty. Collect cans and bottles, they’re literal money. Sign up for temp agencies if you can still pass as a functional member of society. Libraries have free internet use it to find job resources, apply for assistance, or at least watch YouTube tutorials on survival skills (there are a shit ton of them out there).

Congratulations, you’ve just unlocked “America’s Poverty Mode,” which, by global standards, is still better than half the world’s middle class. Isn’t that fucking wild?

Category 1: Survival Mode (Escaping the Streets & Staying Out of Jail)

If you’ve got a shitty job, a bed to sleep in (even if it’s the back of your fucking car), and food that didn’t come from a dumpster, you’re already doing better than millions of people. But let’s be real, you’re one missed paycheck away from disaster.

• “Life’s Not Fair” (Rent/Mortgage, Utilities, Groceries) – Because your landlord doesn’t take good vibes as payment.
• “Gotta Keep the Lights On” (Electricity, Water, Internet) – If you can’t afford all three, electricity first, you can hustle the rest (e.g., a cheap gym membership for a free, much-needed shower).
• “The Bare Minimum” (Gas, Public Transport, Insurance) – Gotta get to work somehow, even if it’s a soul-crushing job.
• “Debt is a Prison” (Loan Payments, Credit Cards) – Miss one payment, and the interest hits harder than a prison yard beating.

Category 2: When Life Punches You in the Face

Shit will go wrong. Plan for it.

• “Life Hurts” (Medical Bills, Prescriptions, Therapy) – The real reason Americans go bankrupt. e.g., never pay a medical bill without asking for an itemized list of services.
• “Shit Happens” (Emergency Fund, Unexpected Repairs) – Because everything is made to break. Look up “planned obsolescence.”
• “Legal Nightmares” (Lawyer Fees, Fines, Taxes) – The justice system isn’t fair, but lawyers don’t work for free.
• “Funeral Fund” (Because Someone’s Gotta Pay) – If you don’t plan for this, your family will have to sell feet pics to cover it if they are lucky enough to have nice ones.

Category 3: For the Good Times (Because Life’s Too Short for Just Paying Bills and Dying)

If you never spend money on fun, you’ll go insane.

• “Life’s Too Short” (Travel, Adventures, YOLO Splurges) – Because experiences matter more than shit you buy.
• “Retail Therapy” (Shopping, Amazon Regrets) – Will it bring you happiness? No. Will it bring temporary happiness? Yes.
• “Let Me Have This” (Hobbies, Gaming, Crafts) – Sanity is a valid expense and much cheaper than therapy.
• “Date Night, Maybe?” (Restaurants, Bars, Romance) – Because love costs money. Sorry.

Category 4: Long-Term Goals (Because Life is Expensive as Fuck)

This is for when you’ve escaped the poverty spiral.

• “Future Me Will Thank Me” (Investments, Retirement) – If you want to stop working before you die.
• “One Day, a House” (Down Payment, Renovations) – If the market ever stops being a dystopian nightmare that Baby Boomers shoved up everyone’s ass.
• “Kid Fund” (If you dared to have them) – Because babies are money pits.
• “Side Hustle Dreams” (Business Ventures, Creative Pursuits) – So you can pretend you’re an entrepreneur.

Category 5: Self-Improvement (Because Life Can Be Better, Maybe)

Invest in yourself because no one else will.

• “Glow Up Fund” (Gym, Therapy, Self-Care) – Health and confidence aren’t just for the rich.
• “Brain Upgrade” (Books, Courses, Skills) – Knowledge is power, and sometimes, money.
• “Boss Moves” (Career Growth, Networking) – Connections matter more than talent.
• “Goodbye, 9-to-5” (Financial Independence Fund) – Escape the rat race before it eats you alive.

Life is a Fucking Scam, but You Can Still Win

The American economy is designed to keep you broke, but the loophole is simple: don’t be an idiot with money. Remember, it’s not about having money, it’s about how you manage whatever you have. Don’t believe me? Just look up how many lottery winners blow up hundreds of millions of dollars and go broke in no time.

• If you’re homeless, survival first.
• If you’re paycheck-to-paycheck, stability first.
• If you’re stable, start building wealth.
• And no matter what, never trust a fucking financial guru. Social media is full of them, and they are full of shit.

This system won’t make you a millionaire overnight, but it will keep you from being a broke, desperate idiot who blows every paycheck on shit that doesn’t matter. Don’t forget that consistency is the key. Read my post on Consistency: The Most Powerful Yet Boring as Fuck Superpower.

Now go forth, budget like a goddamn genius, and if you ever hit rock bottom, just remember you’re still better off than someone in a country where tap water can kill you.