Outrageously Expensive Solutions for Problems That Never Existed

Let’s not pretend anymore. We’re past idiocracy. We’ve entered full-blown, irreversible, corporate-sponsored brain rot. Tech overlords Google, Apple, Microsoft, and Amazon have taken snake oil salesmanship to a whole new level. It’s not even about selling bad products anymore. No, they’ve industrialized the process of making you believe you need things that literally didn’t exist until five minutes ago.

“Oh no! How will I ever generate a PowerPoint presentation using natural language prompts that take longer than just fucking making the slides myself?”

“Shit, I’m struggling to make a simple grocery list; better pay $19.99/month for an AI-powered grocery assistant that will hallucinate random items I don’t need.”

“Damn, I wish I could have AI summarize a YouTube video in bullet points because clicking the progress bar and skimming like a normal human is just too much work.”

They’re literally fabricating inefficiencies to sell us “solutions”. Look, AI isn’t inherently bad. When used responsibly, with a complete understanding of what it actually does and the value it adds, it can be a powerful tool that automates tedious, repetitive tasks. Cool. Analyzing massive datasets to find patterns we’d miss? Useful.

But that’s not what’s happening. Instead, we’re blindly AI-washing the fuck out of everything, slapping it onto tasks that were already simple, functional, and efficient, just so some tech bro can justify another round of funding.

This isn’t an innovation competition. It’s a dick-measuring contest of stupidity. Every single one of these tech giants is competing to see who can peddle the dumbest, most pointless, and most dystopian AI product first.

Microsoft: “Hey, what if we shoved AI into Windows and made it break more often?” Google: “That’s cute, hold my beer while I make AI search worse than it’s ever been!” Apple: “Oh yeah? What if we lock AI behind our new $3,500 headset that no one fucking asked for?” Amazon: “Fuck all that, let’s just make Alexa even dumber and charge for features that used to be free.”

It’s not just AI-washing anymore, it’s AI-mandated corporate retardation.

What makes this so much worse is the fanboy worship behind these companies. The absolute hordes of drooling, glassy-eyed consumers who celebrate every new, unnecessary AI feature like it’s the second coming of Christ.

Apple unveils AI-generated emojis? “Groundbreaking.” Google’s AI search results return complete gibberish? “So innovative!” Microsoft Copilot fucks up basic tasks? “Wow, it’s learning!”

These tech cultists are so deep in Stockholm Syndrome that they’ll defend the very companies that are actively making their lives worse.

We used to worry about automation replacing jobs. But no one ever asked, “What if AI replaces basic fucking thinking?”

It’s happening. Slowly, then all at once.

Instead of using our own brains, we’re outsourcing basic human tasks to AI, like writing emails, reading articles, summarizing information, and making decisions. Not because we need to, but because Big Tech has convinced us we should.

And guess what? The AI isn’t even good at it.

AI-generated search results are wrong more often than right.

AI-powered customer service is worse than talking to a brick wall.

AI-generated articles read like a concussed toddler wrote them.

But none of that matters because they’ll keep shoving it down our throats until we forget what life was like without it.

AI is just the latest corporate deity, an empty promise wrapped in technobabble, sold by high priests in turtlenecks and hoodies.

And we? We’re the idiots they’re sacrificing at the altar of progress.

AI isn’t fixing real problems. AI is creating imaginary issues so it can sell you the cure.

And if you don’t see the scam yet, congratulations. You’re already part of the cult.