Let me be more clear: You’re not multitasking. You’re failing at five things at once.

Let’s get this out of the way: multitasking is not real. It’s a shiny fucking sticker slapped on by corporate stooges and productivity gurus who don’t know their ass from a wireless mouse. “I’m great at multitasking!” No, Debbie, you’re just equally mediocre at five things at once while forgetting why you walked into the fucking kitchen.

Unless we’re talking about chewing gum while walking, or breathing while jerking off, or blinking while scrolling through Instagram to find the meaning of your goddamn life… that ain’t multitasking. That’s your body running on autopilot so your brain can continue being useless elsewhere. And for the record, breathing doesn’t count, you evolutionary error. It’s fucking involuntary. If your idea of multitasking is managing not to die while being stupid, congratulations, you’re just a functioning mammal.

Now let’s talk about real tasks. You know, anything that requires more than two brain cells rubbing against each other to make a spark. Writing an email while listening to a podcast. Designing a report while replying to Slack messages. Reading an article while doomscrolling Twitter for likes that never come. Spoiler: you’re not doing any of those things well. You’re not multitasking. You’re attention-hopping like a brain-damaged frog on meth, and your cognitive performance is somewhere between a goldfish and a drunk raccoon.

What is real? Prioritization. You can’t do multiple meaningful things at once, but you sure as hell can get better at figuring out what the fuck to do first. That’s the skill. That’s the superpower. Knowing what to do now and what can wait until you’ve pulled your head out of your ass. It’s called doing things in sequence like a fucking adult. You don’t throw five turds at a wall at once and hope they land in a Mona Lisa. You launch them one by one with precision, purpose, and a little artistic flair.

So next time someone tells you they’re a multitasker, just smile and walk away. They’re either a liar, a delusional time-waster, or someone who thinks switching browser tabs every 10 seconds is a career skill.

Multitasking is a myth, a marketing gimmick, and a mental circle jerk. You want to be productive? Sit your ass down, pick one task, and finish the fucking thing.